Background Check
by Astiza
Summary: Facebook profiles for the Characters in Lord of the Rings! Written as a parody. You will never look at the characters the same way again - in a good way of course. I think we're finished here folks. -NOW COMPLETE.. unless you have another idea!
1. Sauron and the Witch King

Title: Background Check  
>Author: Astiza<br>Summary: Facebook profiles for the Lord of the Rings Characters (inspired by redlily188's Merlin fic)  
>Warnings: parody and crack!fic<br>Rating: K+ (may go up)

Please read and Review! Reviews are like food ... or lembas. If you have any requests you'd like, tell me please.

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><p><span>Sauron<span>

**Current Residence:** Unknown

**Occupation**: President of the Fiery Eyeballs of Doom Elitist Club

**Favorite Quotation**: "I see you."

**People who Inspire Sauron**: Dark Lord Morgoth

**Activities**: Forging Rings of ultimate and malignant power, Tricking people, Wearing absurdly heavy-looking suits of armor, collecting jewelry, looking for things… like contacts perhaps?

**Favourite Books**: 100 Ways to Dominate the Minds and Wills of Your Creatures, Famous Pastimes: Hobbit Watching, Controlling Beings: Nazgûl Edition, Betraying Your Friends, Combat Skills, Constructing An Empire of Doom, How to Enslave Every Living Thing that Crosses Your Path, How To Have A Really Booming Voice, Eye Makeup Tips (Especially for Cat-like Red Irises), Religious Leaders Guide: Worshipping the Wrong Person

**Interests:** burning things, volcanoes, jewelry, killing innocent things, taking over people's minds, building insanely tall structures, employing incompetitent people

**About: **I hate hobbits. I hate everything. And I'm a pyromaniac.

**Interested In**: Women

**Relationship Status**: It's Complicated with Shelob

**Family**: N/A

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><p><span>Witch King<span>

**Current Residence:** Unknown, formerly Angmar and Minas Morgul

**Occupation: **Currently a model for X-Ray/Radiation Medicine Journal

**Favorite Quotation:** "I will break you."

"Do not come between the Nazgûl and his prey."

**People who Inspire the Witch King**: Sauron

**Activities:** Lording over the other 8 wraiths, Screeching, Stabbing frightened hobbits, Going for joy-rides on Fell Beasts, Beating up women, Be rude to Old Men, Searching for the One Ring, leading armies, Pretending to speak like Sauron

**Favourite Books:** Famous Pastimes: Hobbit Watching, Betraying Your Friends, Power: The Natural Way to Corruption, Combat Skills, Vacuums and Black Holes, Enchanted Morgul Blades, Histories of Middle Earth, How To Make Ear Plugs On the Go, Combat Skills II: Maces, How To Train Your Fell Beast, 500 Ways to Attack A City, Interesting Methods of Slaughter, Black Cloak Catalogue, All About Osteoporosis

**Interests:** terrifying people, rupturing ear drums, destroying cities, setting things on fire like my sword, fell beasts, Rings of power, Your Doom

**About**: *SHRIEKS* Hey. I'm kinda old now, but that's alright. I got stabbed by a hobbit and a woman and thus, my life ended in an implosion. FML

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Possibly Widowed

**Family**: N/A

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><p>Next up: Gandalf and Saruman<p>

Don't forget to review :D


	2. Gandalf and Saruman

**A/N: Just made some editting changes/revisions to the previous chapters etc. [14 Aug 2011]**

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><p><span>Gandalf<span>

**Current Residence:** Grey Havens

**Occupation:** Resident Old Magical Man in the Grey Havens

**Favourite Quotation:** "Fly you fools!"

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

**People Who Inspire Gandalf:** Manwë, Varda, Nienna

**Activities: **making fireworks, being the wisest Maiar, hanging out with Shadowfax, combing my beard, fighting foes, guarding hobbits, spending time with kings who don't always want my help, hitting fools, prophesying, counseling, fighting bad guys

**Favourite Books: **Monochrome Clothing, How To Stay Young and Fit after Two Millennia, Dangers of Middle Earth: Balrog Edition, Combat Skills, Grooming Tips for Flowing Beards, Courage In the Face of Danger, Leadership: Fellowship, Do It Yourself Stunts, Everything You Need to Know About Palantir, Guiding Future Kings, Not Quite Dying: Resurrection 101, Tide-to-Go Handbook, Magic Guidebook

**Interests:** pointy hats, Sainsbury's Latest Catalogue*, riding bareback, arriving with the sunrise, white and grey clothing, flowing robes, cobwebs, longbottom leaf

**About:** I've finally time to relax now that the Ring is safely destroyed. It was a pretty grueling journey considering I died, but it's all good now!

**Interested In: **Women

**Relationship Status:** Single

**Family: **N/A

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><p><span>Saruman<span>

**Current Residence:** Unknown

**Occupation:** [former] Crime and Drug Lord of the Shire

**Favourite Quotation:** "Against the power of Mordor, there can be no victory."

"I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain."

**People Who Inspire Saruman:** Sauron (hence my name, everybody)

**Activities:** Betraying friends, Going to the Dark side, dancing on the roof, inventing things like black powder and Uruk-hai, finger painting and hand printing, being a part-time lumberjack, swimming, smoking Longottom leaf, taking over innocent peoples' lives, beating up other old men, combing my hair and beard

**Books:** Betraying Your Friends, Tide-to-Go Handbook, Magic Guidebook, Building Better Dams, Grooming Tips for Flowing Beards, 500 Ways to Attack a City: Helm's Deep Edition, The Art of Finger Painting, Self Help for Over-possessive People, Anatomy, Do It Yourself Home Projects: Turn Your Yard Into Anything!, Coping with Nightmares, How to Survive an Ent Attack, How to Survive a Flood: Negotiate Your Way Out, Bossing Around Ruffians is Good Fun, Enslaving People: Time of Your Life

**Interests:** enslaving people, being mean, being ~persuasive~, tripping over my robes, amassing huge armies, stamping ALL of my belongings with my handprint - gotta mark your luggage, you know?

**About:** Gandalf is a fool for not joining with me. And for stealing my color! Also, I hate Grima with a passion. Nobody slits my throat!**

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Single

**Family:** N/A

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><p>Please review guys ^^ Let me know what you think of it!<p>

*Sainsbury is a store franchise thing in the UK. If you've not seen the Youtube video "Mines of Morons" go watch it.  
>** book-verse; movie: stabbed in the back<p> 


	3. Gollum and Frodo Baggins

**Wow... I just want to thank you all so far - 10 reviews on the first two chapters! You make me so happy... :) And I'm glad you're all enjoying it too. Keep reviewing, it encourages faster updates (: True fact, that. Anyway, have fun reading this bit.**

**To my anonymous reviews whom I cannot personally reply to:**

silmarwren - Saruman does look make-upish ^^ lol and I guess I should have put the Witch King as widowed ... 'cause he was a regular human at one point and probbaly had a wife. But not anymore!  
>marylauren - me too :D<p>

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><p><span>Gollum<span>

**Current Residence**: Mount Doom (?)/unknown

**Occupation:** Professional Stalker and Hot-Coals walker

**Favourite Quotation: **"My precioussssss."

**People Who Inspire Gollum:** Gollum

**Activities:** eating juicy fish, skulking, lurking, sneaking, and stalking, lying, forgetting my name, searching for the preciousssss, betraying friends, murdering best mates, fishing (I used to, believe it or not – with a pole instead of just diving in forbidden pools), wrestling, talking to Us, escaping from Mirkwood, making Frodo paranoid, poisoning friends against each other

**Favourite Books:** How Not To Be Seen, Betraying Your Friends, A Perfect Murder, Seafood Cookbook: It's Better Raw, Ways to Kill Hobbitses, Sneaking 101, Clever Ways to Frame Someone, Atlases of Middle Earth: Secret Tunnel Editions, How to Please Your Mistress: Bring her Supper, Wrestling for Dummies, All About Rings of Power, The Loin Cloth Catalogue, Hair Care, 450 Ways to Make Someone Suspicious, Psychology, Sushi-Maker's Guide

**Interests:** The Preciouss, Shelob, avoiding filthy orcses, seeking revenge on everyone, foiling those Mirkwood elveses, the Preciousss, juicy sweet fish, nice cool pools

**About:** They took it from us. Stole it. *gollum* The preciousssssss…And I hate stupid, fat hobbitses and nasty elf bread! *gollum*

**Interested In:** The Precioussss

**Relationship Status:** It's Complicated

**Family:** N/A

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><p><span>Frodo Baggins<span>

**Current Residence:** Grey Havens

**Occupation:** Esteemed Guest of the Elves, Resident Short Person and Former Ring-bearer

**Favourite Quotation:** "I will take the ring to Mordor. Though I do not know the way."

**People Who Inspire Frodo:** Strider, Gandalf, Samwise the Brave

**Activities:** Ring-bearing, drinking with friends, walking a lot, sneaking into Mordor through the back door, fighting orcs, evading captors, canoeing, eating, writing books, abandoning friends, staying alive, leading the Took archers, meeting royalty, surviving, swimming, line-dancing with the other hobbits

**Favourite Books:** Do It Yourself Transportation, How Not To Be Seen, About Rings of Power, Combat Skills: Hobbit Edition, Trust Is A Double Edged Sword, The Elves of Middle Earth, How To Throw A Great Birthday Bash, There And Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale, The Lord of the Rings, Rock Climbing Tips and Tricks, 25 Fun Recipes with Lembas Bread, Living for Dummies, Don't Follow the Lights: A Tale of Woe, Bulgy Eyes Make Everything Seem Bigger

**Interests:** reading, gardening (reminds me of my dear Sam), talking with my Uncle Bilbo, going on more adventures

**About:** I wrote a whole book and I have the best friend in the world.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Single

**Family:** Drogo (father)

Primula Brandybuck (Mother)

Bilbo (Uncle)

Meriadoc Brandybuck (Cousin)

Peregrin Took (Cousin)

Samwise Gamgee (related through marriages)

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><p>Review? Up Next: Denethor II and Théoden!<p> 


	4. Denethor II and Théoden

I've figured out most of the pairings for the future chapters so far ... so have fun reading. And a big thanks to all my reviewers and to everyone who has done sub alerts/fav/etc.

I've also added an "occupation" thingy and an "interests" thingy ^^

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><p><span>Denethor II<span>

**Current Residence:** Silent Street/unknown

**Occupation:** Steward of Gondor, back off Ranger, I know you're out there somewhere

**Favorite Quotations:** "For Gondor!" - Boromir

**People Who Inspire Denethor:** my great son, Boromir

**Activities:** Ruling Gondor like it's mine, 'cause really it practically is and it should be, eating by myself, looking into my Palantír, brooding, grieving, hating on Aragorn, hating on Mithrandir 'cause he wacked me upside the head – and NO ONE whacks me upside the head!, burning my children alive, attempting to commit suicide, playing favorites, betraying my people, going stark raving mad – wait, what?

**Favorite Books:** Favoritism: Stewards Edition, The Lineages of the House of Húrin, Monochrome Clothing for Dummies, Everything You Need to Know About Palantír, Hair Care, Building A Better Pyre, Songs Fit For Great Halls, Do It Yourself Death Edition, Combat Skills, Self Help: Getting Over The Loss of a Child, Black Robe Catalogue, Complete Ortho-Problem Solver: White Tree of Númenor Edition, Advice On Waging War: Knowing When To Stop and Give Up, 600 Ways to Defend A City, Tomatoes Make Good Lip-gloss, Household Craft Repair: Horns of Gondor, Several Types of Beacons- Knowing When To Light Them

**Interests:** insulting my youngest son, turning a blind eye to all of Boromir's faults (he has faults? noo...), raving about Boromir, Boromir, Gondor, Minas Tirith, my Palantir, slouching

****About:** **My line has ended! Woe is me. Boromir, my only son is dead. DEAD! Oh wait, I forgot about Faramir.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Widowed

**Family:** Boromir (son - deceased; NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

Faramir (son)

Finduilas (wife – deceased)

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><p><span>Théoden<span>

**Current Residence**: Halls of my Fathers/buried near Edoras under the hills where I feel no shame. **NONE**. *puts on feathered boa*

**Occupation:** Marshal of the Mark, Lord of the Rohirrim, King of Rohan, blah blah blah, and currently dead

**Favorite Quotations:** "Arise, arise, Riders of Théoden! Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!"

**People Who Inspire Théoden:** Thengel, Gandalf the White, Aragorn

**Activities:** Leading the Rohirrim to ruin and glory, Abandoning my allies on occasion, Riding Snowmane, playing host to Shadowfax when he isn't with Gandalf – that stupid wizard stole my best horse!-, Sitting on my throne like a zombie, watching my niece get stalked by my advisor, _listening_ to my advisor Gríma, Banishing Éomer by accident, Safeguarding my people behind the Deeping Wall to the best of my abilities, Nearly becoming a dentist to a Nazgûl's Fell Beast

**Favorite Books:** Combat Skills, 600 Ways to Defend A City, Just About Horses: The Complete Guide, At The Edge of Death: Ways to Get Out of It, Being Patronizing Towards Short People, Abandoning Your Allies Out of Spite, Do It Yourself Stunts, Courage In The Face of Danger, Good Parenting, Advice on Waging War, What To Do With Evil Wizards, Parenting 101: Rebellious Daughters Edition, Spotting Seditious Acts: Shifty Advisor Edition, Hair Care, How To Embroider, How To Speak With A Booming Voice, Epic Battle Survival Guide: Don't Get Crushed By Your Horse

**Interests:** riding, going to war, not going to war, protecting my people, embroidery, zombies, pasty advisors, family, ruling Rohan

**About:** I have tried to be a good and worthy king of Rohan and a strong father figure to Éomer and Éowyn. Even though I fail at being observant… I mean, really. My own niece rode to battle with me in the front lines and I didn't see her at all. Oops. And apparently she was being stalked as well for Valar knows how long. And I miss my son. No parent should have to see their child buried.

**Interested In: **Women

**Relationship Status:** Widowed

**Family: **Elfhild (wife – deceased)

Théodred (son)

Théodwyn (sister)

Éomer (sister-son)

Éowyn (sister-daughter)


	5. Aragorn and Arwen Undomiel

**Everyone's favorite canon pairing (I think lol) - Aragorn and Arwen ^^ Don't forget to review~**

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><p><span>Aragorn<span>

**Current Residence:** Minas Tirith

**Occupation:** King of the Reunited Kingdom of Gondor and Arnor

**Favorite Quotations:** "Let's hunt some orc."

"Estel." - Arwen

**People Who Inspire Aragorn:** Gandalf, Lord Elrond, Arwen, Elendil, Isildur, The hobbits: Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, Legolas … basically all of my friends

**Activities:** Ranger-ing, protecting people, being king, singing, kissing Arwen in public, wearing women's jewelry, smoking, riding wargs, riding horses, leading armies into battle, making very rousing and encouraging speeches even though there really wasn't the slightest chance we'd win but we actually did somehow .. probably due to my speech, decapitating liars, hunting orcs, running on foot, walking, traveling

**Favorite Books:** How To Be A Good King: Don't Ignore Your Subjects, What Pleases an Elleth, Being Sentimental in a VERY MANLY Way, Leadership Skills, 200 Natural Herbal Remedies, Public Speaking for Dummies, Looking Into Palantír is a Good Idea, Looting From Dead Men: Take Their Stylish Vambraces Under The Pretense Of Doing Them Honor By Wearing Them, How To Give Your Friend A Funeral He'll Never Forget … or Ever Live To See: Shove Them Off A Waterfall In A Boat Full of Pointy Objects, Cross Country Training, Being Observant Is A Ranger Skill, How To Resist A Ring's Power, Keeping Love Alive After Almost 300 Years, Death: Know When It's YOUR Time To Go

**Interests:** ruling my kingdom nicely, visiting my friends, kissing Arwen, my son Eldarion, being Chieftain of the Dunedain of the North, walking, fighting with zombies, being noble and courageous, public speaking, Lay of Lúthien, healing, having the hands of a healer, kingsfoil/athelas, fighting wraiths

**About:** "I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, and am called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dúnadan, the heir of Isildur Elendil's son of Gondor. Here is the sword that was broken and is forged again! Will you aid me or thwart me? Choose swiftly!" And Right now I'm King of Gondor and Arnor, and thus married to Arwen who is several millennia older than me and is actually my distant relative somehow since we're descended from Beren and Lúthien and also she's my foster sister since she's Elrond's daughter and Elrond is my foster father. Interesting.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family:** Arathorn II (father – deceased)

Gilraen (mother)

Lord Elrond of Rivendell (foster father)

Elladan & Elrohir (foster brothers)

Arwen (wife)

Eldarion (son and heir to the throne)

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><p><span>Arwen Undómiel<span>

**Current Residence:** Minas Tirith

**Occupation:** Queen of the Reunited Kingdom of Gondor and Arnor, Wife of King Aragorn II Elessar of the House of Telcontar

**Favorite Quotations:** "I would rather spend one lifetime with you than face all the Ages of this world alone."

**People Who Inspire Arwen:** my father Lord Elrond, my twin brothers Elladan and Elrohir, my grandmother Lady Galadriel and my grandfather Lord Celeborn, Estel

**Activities:** being queen, looking flawless and gorgeous, hitting on 20 year old humans when I was already ancient (cough, Estel, cough), being sort of mortal, speaking in a breathy voice, invading Estel's dreams, kissing Estel, playing with my son who is half-elven, being the Evenstar, dancing in glades, singing, occasionally riding, making beautiful standards for Estel to carry around

**Favorite Books:** All About Human Men, Númenórians and their Kind, Standard-Making 101, How To Glide Everywhere You Go So It Looks Like You're On Roller Skates, Elves Don't Drop Books, Luscious Hair Care Tips, How To Be A Good Queen and Wife, Good Parenting, Kissing In The Age of Men

**Interests:** Estel, Eldarion, family, being queen, sewing, gliding, being beautiful, being benevolent

**About:** I am Arwen, the Evenstar, and I have some really impressive lineages. I'm related to pretty much everyone who is famous and royal ^^ tehe. And I'm also related to my husband. His ancestor, the first King of Númenor, was my father's brother. So we're cousins sort of except that I'm second generation and he's like … gazillion generation. But that's just 'cause I'm an elf! And I'm beautiful. Éomer of Rohan thinks so too.

**Interested In:** Mortal Men

**Relationship Status: **Married

**Family:** Elrond (father)

Celebrían (mother)

Galadriel (maternal grandmother)

Celeborn (maternal grandfather)

Aragorn (husband)

Elladan & Elrohir (brothers)

Eldarion (son)

Eärendil the Mariner (paternal grandmother)

Tuor of Gondolin (paternal great-grandmother)

Finarfin (maternal great-grandmother)

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><p>Review? Up Next: Legolas &amp; Gimli!<p> 


	6. Legolas and Gimli

**A/N: rated T for suggestiveness lol 'cause it's Legolas, what do you expect? ****I've got about 4 pairings left ... so if you'd like this to continue further, drop me a suggestion with your review. **

And thank you to the anonymous reviewer Liza who pointed out that Théoden indeed has a son which I completely forgot to mention! I've updated that so set your hearts at rest :D

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><p><span>Legolas Thranduilion<span>

**Current Residence:** Ithilien, helping restore the lands and forests

**Occupation:** Prince of Mirkwood

**Favorite Quotations:** "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

**People Who Inspire Legolas:** The Valar, Aragorn II Elessar, Mithrandir, Gimli

**Activities:** being able to kill two orcs with one arrow, shooting, feeling superior to the Fellowship because I'm an elf and I'm automatically more handsome, shield-boarding down steps, taking out entire armed Mumakil, teasing Gimli, insulting Gimli in jest, treating those around me like children, brushing my flowing gold locks, being flawless and clean and perfect at all times of day, saying very ominous things at random intervals, looking around rapidly and squinting, being Captain of the Flying Dutchman… oh wait wrong story, glowing, sword fighting

**Favorite Books:** The Fine Art of Archery, Bows of Mirkwood, Bows of the Galadhrim, Interjections: Knowing When To Say Unnerving Things In Everyday Conversation, 1001 Exercises To Improve Vision Over Several Leagues, How To Walk On Top Of Snow, Hair Care: How To Have Silky Smooth Hair And Make Everyone Want To Touch It All The Time, 75 Ways To Get Under A Dwarf's Skin, Breaking Away From Prejudices and Stereotype, Ways To Ward Off Fangirls Who Want To Get In Your Robes, Dissuading Eager Fangirls From Fawning Over Your Every Motion Even Though You Know You Like It, Combat Skills, Tide-To-Go Handbook, Glittering Caves Navigational Guide

**Interests:** Archery, elleth, not spiders – I hate spiders, archery, brushing my silky locks, braiding my hair in neat little braids, spending time with my friends, archery, being Prince of Mirkwood, traveling with Gimli

**About:** I am as tall as a young tree, lithe, immensely strong, and I'm able to draw a great war-bow and shoot down a Nazgûl. That's pretty impressive there, you know? I hardly ever get tired so that means I have plenty of down-time to preen and ogle my reflection in Estel's sword. I've been traveling around with Gimli for awhile and he's my best mate now.

**Interested In:** Elleth

**Relationship Status:** Single/bromance

**Family:** Thranduil (father)

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><p><span>Gimli, son of Glóin<span>

**Current Residence:** Glittering Caves

**Occupation:** Lord of the Glittering Caves

**Favorite Quotations: **"Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf." - Me  
>"What about side by side with a friend?" - Legolas<br>"Aye, I could do that." - Me.

**People Who Inspire Gimli:** Aragorn II Elessar, Lady Galadriel, Legolas, Balin, Durin

**Activities:** traveling around with Leg-less the pointy-eared princeling, being First Lord of the Glittering Caves, Rebuilding Minas Tirith and making a new Gate, axe-fighting, orc-killing contests, drinking without regurgitation, going swimming with little hairy women, bearing the three strands of hair from Lady Galadriel, being a natural sprinter, teasing Legolas, insulting Legolas in jest, braiding my beard

**Favorite Books:** Brew Your Own Brew, Combat Skills: Axe Edition, 35 Orcs Dead And Counting, Recycled Materials, 740 Fun and Practical Crafts With Mithril, 75 Ways To Get Under An Elf's Skin, Caras Galadhon Exploration and Conduct Guide, Getting Over Prejudice, Defense Against Walking Trees: Huron Edition, Dimholt: How To Help Wake The Undead, Improve Your Natural Sprinting Abilites, Don't Waste Time On Cross Country, Complete Guide to Riding Bareback

**Interests:** axe combat, traveling with friends and Legolas, restoring Middle Earth, rebuilding cities, leading my kin, rubbing it in dad's face that I finally got to go on a quest when he excluded me from Erebor, searching for hobbits, running my mouth too much sometimes, gazing upon the fairness that is the Lady Galadriel, _not_ crying/and or tearing up, drinking, ale, mead, smoking my pipe, being cynical

**About:** Hi. I'm Gimli. I have 5 different axes. Legolas is my best friend and we do fun things together. Also, I'm pretty famous now, but do you see any fangirls after me? No! What is this. I am quite attractive.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Single/bromance

**Family:** Glóin (father)

Balin (first cousin, once removed)

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><p>Review please (: Up Next: Merry and Pippin!<p> 


	7. Merry and Pippin

**A/N: Updating this thing daily is a bit of a hassle so it might not be daily anymore ^^ lol but have no fear, LOTR fans, this story isn't done yet!**

**A/N2: 20 reviews so far! Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed :D I'm finding that movie-verse and book-verse are clashing a bit here, so just bear with me 'cause I'm borrowing from both.**

**To manwathiel: an elleth is a female elf; (i.e. Arwen likes Mortal Men / Leggy** **likes elleth)**

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><p><span>Meriadoc Brandybuck<span>

**Current Residence:** Gondor

**Occupation:** Master of Buckland, Esquire of Rohan

**Favourite Quotations:** "What is that?" – Pip

"This, my friend, is a pint." – Me

"It comes in pints? … I'm getting one." – Pip

**People Who Inspire Merry:** Éowyn of Rohan, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Boromir

**Activities:** planning the journey, gathering supplies for everyone, fighting off Nazgûl in Bree, growing a lot, talking to Trees and Ents, chilling with Éowyn after the war, riding Stybba, making sure no one doubts the reach of my arm, going to battle with Dernhelm, singing, taking ill-fated shortcuts, being brave, leading the Battle of Bywater, stealing fireworks

**Favourite Books:** Being Oblivious: Who's Under The Armor Edition, Vacation Travel Guides of Middle Earth, Histories of the Ring of Power, How To Guard Your Friend's House From Unwanted Guests After Huge Birthday Bashes, Combat Skills: Barrowblade Edition, Cheating At Life: Drink Entwash, Dancing On Tables Is Acceptable Conduct, Flirting With Humans, When Hobbits Go To War, Brew Your Own Brew, Look Snazzy In Leather, All About Longbottom Leaf, How To Tear Down A Humongous Tower With Trees

**Interests:** boats, maps, ponies, hobbit ale, Entwash, smoking Longbottom Leaf, not drinking Uruk-hai medicine, wrestling with Boromir, throwing rocks at Orcs, riding Ents, Green Dragon

**About:** Hello :D Master of Buckland and War veteran here… Pip and I are going back to Gondor and Rohan soon, so cheers.

**Interested In: **Women

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family: **Saradoc Brandybuck (father)

Esmeralda Took (mother)

Pippin (first cousin)

Estella Bolger (wife)

Frodo Baggins (cousin)

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><p><span>Peregrin Took<span>

**Current Residence:** Gondor

**Occupation:** 32nd Thain of the Shire, Knight of Gondor

**Favourite Quotations: **"That's what I meant. We hobbits ought to stick together, and we will. I shall go, unless they chain me up. There must be someone with intelligence in the party."

"What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?"

**People Who Inspire Pippin:** Faramir of Gondor, Merry, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Gimli

**Activities:** slaying genetically modified trolls, riding to battle with the Army of the West, piggy-backing on Uruk-hai, laughing, drinking large quantities of ale, eating, smoking Longbottom leaf, foolishly looking into Palantír, being a fool (sometimes), lighting the Beacons, saving people from being burned alive, saving Faramir, wearing Faramir's old clothes, admiring Faramir, naming my son after Faramir, dancing on tables, stealing fireworks

**Favourite Books:** Dancing On Tables Is Acceptable Conduct, Combat Skills: Barrowblade Edition, Cheating At Life: Drink Entwash, When Hobbits Go To War, Complete Guide To Riding Ents, Improve Your Rock-Chucking Skills With These Simple Steps, Scottish Accents Are In, How To Slay A Huge Troll and Survive, Fool Of A Took Guide

**Interests:** going on adventures, saving friends, being resourceful, Ents, Palantír, rocks, Boromir, drinking and smoking, fireworks, Faramir, not Denethor, singing incredibly well, having a cute nose and very hairy feet

**About:** What to say here … well I am Peregrin but most call me Pippin. I am the Thain of the Shire but right now I'm visiting Gondor with Merry. I love Longbottom leaf too :D

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family:** Paladin Took II (father

Elgantine Banks (mother)

Pearl Took (sister)

Pimpernel Took (sister)

Pervinca Took (sister)

Merry Brandybuck (first cousin)

Diamond of Long Cleeve (wife)

Faramir Took I (son)

Goldilocks Took (daughter-in-law)

Samwise Gamgee (father of daughter-in-law)

Frodo Baggins (cousin)

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><p><strong>Please review ^^ <strong>


	8. Boromir and Faramir

**A/N: Here we are again ^^ Personally, I really like this set of profiles lol - so enjoy! And please review! ;D I'd love to know what you think. And another big thanks to everyone who has already reviewed this story. Almost to 30 :D**

**I apologise ahead of time for inaccuracies - this goes for all the profiles.. blending movie/book universes can get tangled sometimes.**

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><p><span>Boromir<span>

**Current Residence:** the Ocean

**Occupation:** former Captain of the White Tower and Son of the Steward; also dead man in boat with (figurative) lantern and waiting for Legolas to pick me up on his ship at World's End. Wait, what's that Legolas? You're not the captain of a ship? Oh sorry. Proceed.

**Favourite Quotations:** "It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing."

**People Who Inspire Boromir:** Aragorn! (aka my bro, my captain, my king), my pop Denethor, Elendil, Frodo

**Activities:** stealing from little people, blowing my horn, flipping my gorgeous hair, leading armies around, defending cities, being a captain, not being a ranger, being rude to rangers, protecting Faramir from my pop, being valiant, being awesome, getting taken over by a piece of jewelry, not having pure Numénor blood like Faramir.. or something like that idk!, sword fighting, canoeing with hobbits, kayaking off waterfalls with my eyes closed

**Favourite Books:** How to Defend A City Even When You're Dead, Take The Arrow- Come On! Just Take It! Who Cares If You've Been Shot Thrice Already There Are Little Hobbits To Defend, All About Canoeing, How Not To Get Creeped Out By Galadriel, Being Buff, Combat Skills: Giant Claymore and Little Round Shield Edition, My Sword Is Bigger Than Yours Aragorn, Looking Swell In Gold Polka-Dots, It's Okay To Tackle Hobbits In A Haze of Madness, Dying With Honor- Get Shoved Off A Waterfall By Your Friends

**Interests:** defending hobbits, stealing from hobbits (unintentionally! Unintentionally! I swear it!), _not_ crying when Galadriel looks into my brain, shiny … precious… jewelr-waiiit that's that creature Gollum's line, swords, Minas Tirith's well-being

**About:** Hi my name is Boromir and I'm dead. Yup, I know you're shaking your head thinking "Wow, poor Boromir! He was such a handsome and strong man and now he's dead." Well can't really blame you, can I? I'm still floating around somewhere in the ocean I guess. Why nobody brought my body to shore I'll never know. My dad's got my horn and Faramir kinda just left me in the river. Well thanks bro.

**Interested In:** Women!

**Relationship Status:** Single and Dead

**Family:** Denethor II (father – deceased/burnt himself alive. That's not weird of anything, yo.)

Finduilas (mother - deceased)

Faramir (ma bro!)

Imrahil (uncle)

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><p><span>Faramir<span>

**Current Residence:** Ithilien/Gondor

**Occupation:** Steward of Gondor, Lord of Emyn Arnen and Prince of Ithilien, Captain of the Rangers of Ithilien, Captain of the White Tower

**Favourite Quotations:** "I do not believe this darkness will endure."

**People Who Inspire Faramir:** Aragorn, Mithrandir, Boromir, Éowyn

**Activities:** leading armies, being a ranger, not being rude to rangers, studying with wizards, learning about cool magically stuff, being calm and happy, doing radio shows with Éowyn*, fighting orcs, slicing orcs to bits, having strangely prophetic dreams, going on suicide missions because I was depressed, being bullied by my dad who hates me and wishes I were dead, almost getting burned alive, hanging out with Pippin, giving my clothes to Pippin (my _old_ clothes from when I was a child), being the namesake of Pippin's son Faramir – haha!, aaaand strolling in the gardens while hitting on injured women who just happen to fall in love with me because I am so nice, crowning my king

**Favourite Books:** How To Defend A City Even If You're Incapacitated At The Moment, Knowing When To Pull Your Army Out Of A Hopeless Fight, Fell Beasts and the Nazgûl, Rings Of Power, Histories of Middle Earth, Magical Cool Stuff, Romance Tips, Guide To Having Luscious Hair That Everyone Wants To Touch – Even Legolas, Being A Steward For Dummies, Flaming Pyre Survival Guide

**Interests:** swordsmanship, riding, battling orcs, being kind and caring, my wife and child, protecting my city, hanging out with friends, Minas Tirith's well-being, stewardship, gardening

**About:** Hello I'm Faramir and I'm super nice ^^ My dad hated me but my big brother didn't. I'm still alive, btw.

Aww, look what my bestie Pippin said about me: "_Here was one with an air of high nobility such as Aragorn at times revealed, less high perhaps, yet also less incalculable and remote: one of the Kings of Men born into a later time, but touched with the wisdom and sadness of the Eldar Race. He knew now why Beregond spoke his name with love. He was a captain that men would follow, that he would follow, even under the shadow of the black wings._"

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family:** Denethor II (father - deceased)

Boromir (brother – deceased)

Finduilas (mother – deceased)

Éowyn (wife)

Imrahil (uncle)

Elboron (son)

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><p>*David Wenham (Faramir) and Miranda Otto (Éowyn) did a radio show together once<p> 


	9. Éomer and Éowyn

Éomer

**Current Residence:** Meduseld, Rohan

**Occupation:** King of Rohan, Marshal of the Mark

**Favourite Quotations:** "What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

**People Who Inspire Éomer:** Théoden, Eorl, Aragorn II Elessar, Meriadoc Brandybuck

**Activities:** yelling loudly, spearing things with my spears, leading companies of Éored around, being slightly sexist, combing my long blonde hair and fussing over the long blonde horse hair that spurts out of my helmet like a tail which it probably once was, going to battle, looking fierce, proctoring drinking contests, riding my horse Firefoot

**Favourite Books:** Rules And Regulations for Drinking Games, How To Properly Measure A Hobbit's Arm, No Sister (or Short Person) Left Behind, 2500 Ways To Get Banished From Rohan, Trusting A Man With A Name Like Wormtongue – Really?, Knowing When Something Is Not Right: Zombie Uncles, How To Disobey Orders From Your King, Hair Care Manual, Protecting Your Sister From Unwanted Sexual Predators, Breaking The Rules: Leasing Horses To Dubious Strangers

**Interests:** being oblivious – as in, not realizing my entire company of Éored is made up of women dressed as men with fake beards and everything, riding my horse Firefoot, spearing orcs, shouting, drinking games, being king, going on campaign, making bold speeches, rallying my troops

**About:** Éomer King here and I'm King of Rohan. I like apples and mead and apple mead and spears and sharp objects and my long blonde hair. Did I mention I'm a king? I don't think I did, so here. I'm a king. I like wine and elves.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Married – sorry ladies

**Family:** Théowyn (mother - deceased)

Éomund (father - deceased)

Théoden (uncle - deceased)

Éowyn (sister)

Théodred (cousin - deceased)

Lothíriel of Dol Amroth (wife)

Elfwine (son)

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><p><span>Éowyn<span>

**Current Residence:** Ithilien, Emyn Arnen, occasionally Gondor

**Occupation:** Lady of Ithilien, wife of the Steward of Gondor

**Favourite Quotations:** "No living man am I! You look upon a woman!"

**People Who Inspire Éowyn: **Faramir, Éomer, Théoden, Aragorn II Elessar, Merry

**Activities:** sneaking off to war, standing on the edge of buildings looking sorrowful, doing radio shows with Faramir, combing my long blonde hair, ruling Rohan in the absence of my uncle and brother, riding horses, slashing Mumakil, hanging out with hobbits, killing With Kings of Angmar who incorrectly remember/quote prophecies and overestimate their power, strolling the gardens of the healing houses with Faramir, being pale

**Favourite Books:** Makeup Tips for White Ladies of Rohan, How To Kill Witch Kings of Angmar: Stab Them Right In The Face, Combat Skills: Cavalry Edition, "Sneaking" by Sméagol, How To Measure The Courage of a Hobbit, Hair Care Manuel, Evading Creepy Advisors Who Are In Love With You, How To Disobey Orders From Your King, It's Only A Flesh Wound

**Interests:** riding horses, sneaking off to war, winning glory, killing Witch Kings of Angmar, planting flowers, cross dressing, radio shows, bath tubs, swords, avoiding creepy stalkers, raising a family, not mooning after Aragorn, sipping wine

**About:** Hello I'm Éowyn and when I was younger, I was stalked by some creepy guy – Grimy Worm Tongue. Ew. But now I'm safe 'cause I'm married to this awesome guy named Faramir who is really good at riding barrels*

**Interested In:** Men

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family: **Théowyn (mother - deceased)

Éomund (father - deceased)

Théoden (uncle - deceased)

Éowyn (sister)

Théodred (cousin - deceased)

Faramir (husband)

Elboron (son)

Lothíriel of Dol Amroth (sister-in-law)

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><p>*See the behind the scenes on filming close-ups on horseback with David Wenham<p>

**Reviews are very welcome ! (:**


	10. Balrog and Shelob

**A/N: This one's a good one ^^ Lots of wiggle room for me with these two... This request was from fsty (: Enjoy!**

**Please review!**

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><p><span>Balrog of Morgoth, Ph.D., MD<span>

**Current Residence:** Vacation Home in Mt. Vesuvius (yup, Pompeii was caused by ME)

**Occupation:** Physics professor at the University of Moria, part-time pyromaniac (just got my license!), public flogger for any paying customer, and Rheumatologist

**Favourite Quotations:** "Can't touch this! –du, du, du, du, dudu, dudu!-."

**People who Inspire Balrog:** Morgoth, Sauron

**Activities:** whipping people senseless, teaching physics – especially Thermodynamics, diagnosing people with incurable diseases –hehe, setting things on fire, drinking brandy, sky-diving, making candles and scented soaps, stoking fires

**Favourite Books:** Prince Brat and the Whipping Boy, How To Make Your Own Cat o' Nine Tails, Drivers Manuel: No Passing Zones, Flint & Tinder: A Survival Guide, How To Spontaneously Combust Without Dying, Pranking Dwarves, Medical Journal: Symptoms Include Body-wide Inflammation, The Ring of Fire, See Spot Run

**Interests:** Listerine!-Craziest 30 seconds of your life… feels like my mouth's on fiyaa!, whips, fire, cooking things in Pressure Cookers, ghost pepper hot sauce, candles, sky-diving and deepdarkpit-free-falling, thermodynamics, physics experiments, fevers and inflammation, swelling joints caused by heat, volcanoes

**About:** Alright, ladies (and gents). I won't lie. I know I'm _incredibly hot_ … in fact I've been told people tend to swoon in my presence! Except Men tend to run away from me … but no matter. I can catch them quite easily.

**Interested In:** Women/Men

**Relationship Status:** It's Complicated

**Family:** I kinda may have sorta burnt them all up…

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><p><span>Shelob<span>

**Current Residence:** Cirith Ungol's caves

**Occupation:** Resident Giant/Bloated Spider

**Favourite Quotations:** "Oh, Shelob, Shelob, how I love your graceful, long, hairy, legs! All eight of them!~" – Sauron

"She." – various orcs whom I have devoured without second thought

**People who Inspire Shelob:** Sauron, Morgoth, Witch King

**Activities:** bossing Gollum my butler around, eating orcs – even though they taste bad, spinning webs, stinging people with my butt, Spring Cleaning (unfortunately, it's never spring in Mordor), devouring hobbits, shielding my eyes from starlight, hissing, knitting and crocheting

**Favourite Books:** Seven Deadly Poisons of DOOM, Knitting for Dummies, 145 New Design Ideas for Spider Webs, Weight Loss in Three Easy Steps, Beauty Tips For Those With Many Legs, How To Snare Your Man, Deceit and Sneakiness, Combat Skills: Rear-End Edition, 50 Recipes For Fresh Prey, Parenting Skills: Single Mom with Several Kids Edition

**Interests:** skulking in my caves, hissing, experimental weight loss programs, weaving looms, high-quality silk, playing the piano, bungee jumping with spider silk, eating orcs, sending Gollum my butler on long expeditions to bring me food

**About:** I like art projects that involve weaving. I make very fine cloth and nice lace too – products are available on my Etsy store. I'm on medication for my bloating. I got involved with Sauron after my marriage to Mr. Itsy-Bitsy Spider with whom I had several thousand children. We dumped them all in Mirkwood since they were overrunning the house and leaving muddy foot prints everywhere.

**Interested In:** Men

**Relationship Status:** It's Complicated with Sauron

**Family:** Several Thousand Children (some deceased, some not, I don't really care)

Mr. Spider (husband - deceased - got stuck up a water spout and drowned, poor thing... - that was sarcasm)

Assorted Siblings (all deceased – I ate them)

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><p><strong>Reviews? :D<strong>


	11. Mouth of Sauron

Mouth of Sauron

**Current Residence:** Mordor

**Occupation:** Ambassador and Messenger of Mordor; also part-time orthodontist, Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, Black Númenórian

**Favourite Quotations:** "My master, Sauron the great, bids thee welcome." –BIG!GRIN-

"I have some tokens I was bidden to show thee, if thou shouldst come to dare." –GRIN-

"If you sue for his clemency you must do his bidding!" –GRIN-

**People Who Inspire Mouth: **Sauron

**Activities:** Treating with people of authority, Grinning, being bidden to do things, making other people bid, going to auctions, riding horses, being brainwashed by Sauron from my infancy, painting my tongue black

**Favourite Books:** Giant Helmet Fashion Magazine, How To Turn Evil for Dummies, Effective Methods of Terrorizing People, Treating With Authoritative Figures, 140 Ways to Avoid Decapitation, Picture Perfect: A Romance, Guide to Mordor Auction Houses, Body Painting and Tattooing 101, How To Bid and Be Bidden to do His Bidding, Dentistry and Common Mouth Diseases, 75 Fun Things To Do For People With Giant Helmets And No Eyeballs

**Interests:** facial body parts, auctions, black, treating, bidding, serving Him

**About:** Care to treat with me? –GRIN- I may or may not suffer from a grinning-syndrome because of my diseased mouth. I got it from saying naughty words that I was bidden to say. I am also legally blind. My helmet says "Lammen Gorthaur" – very appropriate for me! "Voice of the Abhorred Dead!"

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** It's Complicated

**Family:** Nose of Sauron (sister)

Ear of Sauron (sister)

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><p><strong>AN: Short update this time. I have a couple of announcements to make concerning my LOTR fics.**

1) If you're a "Questions of Fate" reader, I apologise for the delay in updates. I've put it on haitus until further notice since I'm back in school and I don't have that much spare time on my hands. I am active in the BBC Merlin fandom, so hit me up over there!

2) I will continue to update this fic since it's ... well, it doesn't take too long! But please **REVIEW**. Updates will be very slow since I tend to update the more popular fics first and more frequently. Let me know you want more and I'll be happy to do it!

**Please visit my profile and vote for your favourite fic. I'm interested to know which ones of mine are the most popular. Thank you!**


	12. Samwise Gamgee

**A/N:** Someone pointed out that I had left out Sam! *gasp* So I finally got around to fixing it!

I've sort of left the LOTR fandom for the BBC Merlin fandom… simply because I can really only write in one fandom at a time… and my big lotr fic is stagnating as we speak. Er, type. … um, while you read. Anyway –cough- so here's an update!

**Please review**!  
>I've marked this fic as complete, but if you have any other ideas, let me know and keep this alive!<p>

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><p><span>Samwise Gamgee<span>

**Current Residence:** The Shire

**Occupation:** Mayor of the Shire, former gardener to Mr. Frodo Baggins

**Favourite Quotations: **"Mr. Frodo!"

**People Who Inspire Samwise:** Mr. Frodo, The Lady Galadriel, Gandalf

**Activities:** Gardening, playing with my children, writing, smoking my pipe

**Favourite Books:** Self Defense Against Giant Spiders Who Try To Sting You With Their Butt, How Not To Get Framed, Mountain Climber's Guide to Cirith Ungol, A Hobbit's Complete On-The-Go Cook Book, P-O-T-A-T-O-E-S for Dummies, The Rudiments of Culinary in the Wilderness, Elven Bread: How to Make It Last, Getting to the Volcano, Why Hobbits Don't Wear Shoes, The Taste of Strawberries: Remember It Forever, Elf-Shadow-Impersonations, 400 Ways to Punch Gollum

**Interests:** flowers, plants, gardening, taverns, my family, quests, friends, not giant spiders, not orcs, mushrooms

**About:** Why hello there. There isn't much to say about myself, except that I went on a very important quest with my best friend and we made it out alive. To this day, I still miss Frodo, but now I have a family to love and care for.

**Interested In:** Women

**Relationship Status:** Married

**Family:** Hamfast Gamgee (father)

Bell Goodchild (mother)

Hamson (brother)

Halfred (brother)

Daisy (sister)

May (sister)

Marigold (sister)

Rosie Cotton (spouse)

Elanor the Fair, Frodo, Rose, Merry, Pippin, Goldilocks, Hamfast, Daisy, Primrose, Bilbo, Ruby, Robin, and Tolman (children)

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><p>Also check out: <strong>Countdown to Christmas<strong>!


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